It’s getting cold here in New York Shitty. According to the 2008 Edition of the Farmer’s Almanac, it’s supposed to be one of the coldest winters in the history of winters. As a writer, there’s about a 98% chance I’m strapped for cash at any given time. Soooo… instead of investing in a super-waterproof-insulated-down coat from North Face ($300), I’m going to try and gain some weight. You know, fight nature with NATURE. It’s a scientific FACT fat people are warmer than non-fat people, and science is always right. I consulted my cousin Christian (280 pounds) for some advice on the matter, and here’s what he had to offer:
add butter and mayo to everything you will eat, also do not shy away from eating other people’s leftovers those are great source of carbs, protein and fat, plus its free. I recommend getting whole milk also, plus fry all of your snack foods, everything. Substitute granola bars for pop tarts, use peanut butter and jelly when eating apples. DO NOT EAT VEGETABLES unless they have been drowned in butter cheese. OH add cheese to everything, double it up on sandwiches, but you could mix it up by adding a shredded cheese and condiment dipping sauce on the side. After you eat immediately take a nap. This will rest the body, restart your brain to thinking its breakfast again. well thats all i have for today.
Needless to say I’m really excited about this project. People will look at my photos on Facebook and say condescending things like, “Sad. Chris really let himself go. He used to be so skinny.” And then I’ll hit the gym hardcore in Spring, lose the weight, and people will come up to compliment me with things like, “Wow Chris, you look great!” to which I’ll respond, “I KNOW.”
Attention whore? You can bet a triple-stacked chili burger I am. Two words: LETS. DO. THIS.
// Chris Guy (Co-Editor in Chief, future fat person)
P.S. if you think that this plan looks an awful lot like the recent life trajectory of Marc Jacobs you’d be absolutely WRONG.
Can I join you on this?
bahahaha. butter cheese.
bahahaha.butter cheese.
The Rebuttal:
Terrible plan, my friend. As a practicing fat person, i can honestly tell you that I feel cold just as much as the next guy. At first, obesity may seem fun since everything you do is considered hilarious amongst your peers.
“oh look! he’s fat and he’s not wearing a shirt! that’s hilarious!”
I mean, just look at what it did for Will Sasso’s career.
And I must admit that I exploited this for a good while without realizing what I sacrificed (self-respect) for a few bouts of laughter, but you can trust me when i say that you haven’t felt REAL cold until you slip under the covers of your lonely ass bed. cuz im gonna let you in on a little secret….
Fat. Gets. No. Play. Except. For. Other. Fatties. And. /. Or. Ugly. Hoes.
MYTH BUSTED.