The Shitlist Volume 1

We’re getting too PC here at the JG.  Let’s take it up a notch.  I’m starting a new column.  Welcome to the first installment of The Shitlist.

1. Tim Burton

The other day I was watching Batman Returns on TV and reached this long overdue conclusion– Tim Burton is a douchebag, and his movies are absolutely terrible. The dude is single handedly responsible for spawning Hot Topic and a generation of Jack Skelington obsessed goths kids.  Let’s be honest here, no one liked Nightmare Before Christmas as a kid.  A love story? Please.  Shit was terrifying! Edward Scissorhands? Retarded. Tim Burton makes movies for overprivileged suburban tweens whose range of problems extends to “my parents don’t understand me.”  Boo hoo.  Thanks Tim Burton, you’re an ass hole.  

2. Fight Club

The first time I watched Fight Club, I was absolutely smitten with the initial premise of a bunch of shirtless, sweaty dudes beating the shit out of eachother.  I was digging it.  TESTOSTERONE, yenno? And then all of a sudden, shit starts blowing up, and Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are the same person? WTF.  Am I the only person in the WORLD who feels like using schitzophrenia as your plot twist is the lamest cop out possible? The same goes for A Beautiful Mind, which is essentially Fight Club for people who like math.  Do people even REALLY like this movie, or do they just like the poster?  I feel like everytime I’ve seen it I completely zone out during the second half.  The fights are cool.  Punching eachother in the ear’s kind of bad ass.  But shooting yourself in the mouth and not dying runs my brain ragged and all I wanted was some mindless violence. Fight Club sux, and if you pretend to like it you’re retarded. (sidenote: Helena Bonham Carter’s involvement in the aforementioned 2 Shitlisted is now scientific evidence of something being terrible. Duly noted).

EDIT: The Harry Potter movies are exempt.

3. Protesting

Peaceful protest is cool, but I mean you’re not gonna get shit done without a Molotov cocktail or two. Riots are kind of rad (as long as no one dies), and we haven’t had one here in the states since the Lakers won their first championship in the threepeat.  Honestly, haven’t you ever wanted to throw a rock through a store front window? Or flip over a car? Prop 8′s in the California Supreme Court and all, and that’s great… getting shit done, yenno? But asking passerby’s to honk their horns to protest a war is kind of like hosting a hotdog eating contest to help raise awareness on world hunger issues. Shit just isn’t right. And if I see another Banksy “Keep your coins, I want change” sign again, I’m gonna hurl.

4. Cleveland Cavaliers Fans

I was hyped on Lebron James during the Olympics, but once again he’s being shoved down my throat by NBA’s marketing team, and that’s not kosher.  Let the record show that there was no such thing as a Cavalier’s fan prior to the 2003 draft.  None. Zero. Check out this article from 1999… of ALL TIME CAVS STARTERS. Seriously, Mark Price, Austin Carr (???), Shawn Kemp (the fat version), Larry Nance (???) and Brad Daugherty (??????WTF?????). Their all-time team couldn’t beat the Sparks. The Cavs are a bandwagon if I’ve ever seen it, and their logo is atrocious (LETS STAB A SWORD THROUGH SOME LETTERZZZZ FUCK YEAHHH!)

 Fuck you Cleveland.  The greatest thing your city had to offer before Lebron was The Drew Carey show, which wasn’t even funny. I rest my case.  Ohio is a shithole of despair and sucks on every level of existence (except college football).

EDIT: Apparently Bone Thugz in Harmony are from Cleveland too. I was wrong, Ohio is AWESOME.

5. Entourage

This is a very reluctant addition to the Shitlist, but it’s been letting me down lately. The show used to be way cooler.  It was like the guys’ version of Sex and the City, except, you know, not annoying. They kind of fucked up this season by trying to make it more relevant than it really is (they had a guy die on the golf course, and that’s real shit. Entourage is fun because their problems extend to like, which Maserati am I gonna buy, and a dude dying for the sake of the story is just out of place to me).

The last couple of episodes were pretty boring since they started filming.  Aquaman was cool.  Medellin was funny because of Billy Walsh. But Smoke Jumpers? I don’t know how I feel about that one, especially since California’s really on fire right now, so, good call geniuses.  They’re bringing Sloan back, which is a +1.  I have a soft spot (aka hard on) for Emanuelle Chriqui.

I was reading an article on the Time website (I’ll link it when I find it), and it brought up a pretty cool argument: “Is the mark of true celebrity indicated when someone is able to play themself on Entourage?” (paraphrased)

Pretty deep.  It’s like Entourage really is the barometer of how famous you are. Bow Wow? Nope.  Paris Hilton? Yes. Mandy Moore? Yes.  Kind of interesting to think about.

Also, I think it’s pretty funny that Vinny Chase is much more celebrated than the man that actually plays him.  Adrian Grenier’s going to have the same character branding that ruined the careers of everyone on Saved by the Bell and Friends (sidebar: Mario Lopez doesn’t count because he’s a tool). 

And is it weird that I really want to watch Aquaman? They should really make the movie, with Adrian Grenier as Vinny Chase as Aquaman, directed by James Cameron.  It’d be absolutely genius, but Hollywood doesn’t have the cajones to dare attempt anything like that. 

Come on Entourage, I miss you. =(

You know you love me,

// Shawn Hunter