Word on the street is there’s a financial crisis or something, and apparently a good chunk of our economy’s well being hinges on the survival of the Big Three automanufacturers, Ford, Chrysler, and GM. According to CNN.com, the three CEOS flew down to Washington, hat in hand, to ask for bit of money– a 25 billion dollar life vein from the bailout package passed by congress last month. They caught some shit though, because they flew in on private jets:
At Wednesday’s hearing, Rep. Brad Sherman, D-California, pressed the private-jet issue, asking the three CEOs to “raise their hand if they flew here commercial.” “Let the record show, no hands went up,” Sherman said. “Second, I’m going to ask you to raise your hand if you are planning to sell your jet in place now and fly back commercial. Let the record show, no hands went up.”
Ah, it’s hard being rich. I’m trying to do my part. Instead of sleeping on a mattress stuffed with hundreds, I downgraded down to fifties. HAHA I’m kidding. Fifties aren’t as soft. LIFE’S TUFF.
In all fairness, they defended their use of private jets as a “safety measure”, and traveling on a private, luxury jet is apparently standard practice for CEOs of big corporations.
Um… I think the fact that most people wouldn’t be able to NAME you without googling you first, let alone RECOGNIZE you is a pretty good safety measure in and of itself, don’t you think? You don’t really need a disguise if no one knows who you are. Jesus. And wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just hire some burly, muscular muscle to escort you around? Are private jet’s really necessary? I think these guys swear they’re Kanye West or something.
But you know, I got to thinking… why should the rich guys get all the perks? This IS America afterall. Here’s a short list of ways YOU, proletariat, can get in on the excess:
1. Leave your lights on when you leave the house. It’ll save you from having to turn them on when you get back home later.
2. Eat every meal off of styrofoam plates. Use a different plate when you go back for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc.
3. Take showers (or preferably baths) for at least 1-2 hours. Keep the faucet running the whole time because you need to keep the water warm.
4. Trade in your gas efficient Honda for an uber-hulking-testosterone-redbull powered Ford F250. I mean, the auto manufacturers are catering to YOU, consumer, and what YOU want is a Megazord on wheels. It makes only too much sense. I seriously don’t understand why the American auto industry is hurting??!? I mean, look how cool this mustang is:
Two words: PU$$Y MAGNET. Why wouldn’t you want to drive that? Not liking this car means you hate the ocean.
5. Recycling was really 2007. Got some cash? Use the trash! Going green is the opposite of baller.
And lastly…
6. Make it rain on hoez. Excessively.
True words. Why should the rich have all the fun? Together, we can make a difference. I’d like to leave you all with a few words of wisdom:
“Mo money mo problems.” – Ma$e.
// Jeff Skilling
